I've hit the wall. (Metaphorically...)

I never really know the right way to start these, honestly. Hello, I guess? That always works, I suppose, but I feel I should shake it up a bit... What the hell am I talking about... Welcome to another edition of 'Uneventful life rants with Laura'! I'm going to try and be a little more optimistic this week, I think. I'll just bury my head in the sand at the thought of exams in less than two months for a moment and talk about something more positive for a change. 

What do you even like to read about? I tried asking twitter once and all I got was a plethora of my friends suggesting I write about them. As much as I would love to write a three part trilogy of novels about the wonders of my 'squad', I'm just a bit lazy for that, honestly. This blog is supposed to be some sort of account of my life and its (non-existent) amazing plot twists, trials and tribulations. Should I talk more about myself on here? I'm not sure. As I've said previously, my life isn't exactly something very interesting, and it would literally feel like I was trying to make you excited about a new brand of beige paint or something. I can give it a go, I guess. Please feel free to send your suggestions...

Not right now, however... It's happened. I've finally hit the "oh god I need to revise wall"... Slowly but surely I think I'm getting there with motivation to revise! Thank god. So this unfortunately means I probably can't update as regularly as I usually do (I would put a sad face in here but since this is a 'formal' blogpost, just imagine my melancholy expression, gazing off into the distance) but I will still try to if I can. I will be back at some point with, yes, you guessed it, more plotless rambles of me stating my inner insecurities and angers in life! Oh a what a lot you have to look forward to!

But for now....

Laura.

Motivation

Hello! It’s been a while... Well, not really that long but it certainly feels like that. Boy, am I glad to see you guys. I have signed up to help with the student magazine and we’ve been writing our sample pieces this week. Basically I have volunteered to do the film and television reviews (I can realistically only pick one per issue really, I may go on too long) and I didn’t realise how hard it is to write reviews for things... I thought it would just all flow out of me naturally (that sounded odd) when I sat down at my laptop but it was actually really difficult to get the hang of. I hope I manage it eventually! I have also volunteered to do a ‘cool facts’ section, which, admittedly could have used a slightly more professional adjective in the name when I suggested it so I didn’t sound about six years old but oh well... They are cool facts. Cool fact: did you know that Uranus was originally going to be called George? That would have actually been hilarious.

Anyway, I’m muddling along with life in general I suppose. My main and only topic of conversation at parties is still “ooh sixth form” but hey, what can you do? I’ve just had my mock grades back and it seems like I’m going to have to carry on the dreaded English language as I actually did the best in it out of my subjects... Isn’t that ironic? (It’s like rain, on my non-existent wedding day...).

If I had a penny for every time I mentioned motivation in these blog posts I would have at least 23p. Motivation is the bane of my existence. I just cannot seem to stop procrastinating, it’s quite a big problem, honestly. My exams are in two months, for god’s sake. And here I go again, I literally have nothing else to talk about other than college at the moment.

I feel like I need to be a bit more adventurous really, I don’t actually do much. For somebody that has a maths test tomorrow morning, I’m not exactly revising, or even thinking about revising. I mean I used to get to the point where I was panicking whilst procrastinating but now it’s sort of descended into “I should be doing this but I don’t really feel the need or urgency to at all”. This is one of my worst habits – leaving things until last minute. I’m sure a lot of you might share this trait, but it’s actually becoming quite a problem for me lately. I’m having GCSE flashbacks...

When I say leaving things until last minute, my mind does have a lot of notice beforehand that it should be doing these things.  I’m not sure what goes on in that thought process, but the stress and oh god why haven’t I revised this yet doesn’t actually hit me until the eleventh hour. Whenever I have enough motivation to actually do some revision willingly (that is pretty rare), as soon as I’m finished, my mind instantly switches to the mode of “Wow Laura you have done so much revision you’re going to do so great just keep this up and work constantly” and then it switches off completely after about 5 minutes of this. It’s not great for keeping motivation up, honestly. When I’m doing history, I usually end up making up puns half the time... My friends know this very well...

Speaking of my friends, I feel like I should do more with them! (If you are reading this, friends, imagine I am that poster of Lord Kitchener pointing at you from all directions – “Your country needs YOU!” – you know the one). With summer fast approaching (although the weather seemed to change its mind today) I am yet again feeling the “Let’s do something cool!” motivation. So maybe I should. I’m not sure, I’ll probably say all this now and then in a few months I will be feeling lazy as hell.

Speaking of feeling lazy as hell, I’m going to go and sleep now I think (aka browse on my phone in bed for another hour in the dark).

Laura. 

Freedom (sort of)

It’s a Saturday and mock exams are over... Thank god! I'm free... for now. It’s been a bit of interesting week, really. My maths exam was a lot harder than I expected and I am pretty sure my teacher saw me mouthing swearwords at my paper in frustration. I think overall though my mocks went okay which is good. Well, as well as they could go with the unrelenting magnet of procrastination looming constantly. The week didn’t particularly get much better from that point. I was about to go into my last mock exam on Thursday (finally), I was just getting out of the car and then my phone fell on the floor. That probably would have been okay but then oh wait. I accidentally stepped on it too. Wonderful. Needless to say there was quite a big crack on my phone after that... Not the best thing to happen.

Last night was fun, though. Replacement phone safely stored in my pocket, I went to see Kingsman at the cinema with my friends. Now, not many films make me come out at the end like “Wow, that was so amazing” but this one certainly did. Seriously, go and see it, it’s great. I swear they’re not paying me to say this (not that anyone reads this anyway)... But yes, as I said not many films impress me but that one did. Guardians of the Galaxy made me feel the same way and that is such an awesome film (did I really just use the word awesome?). Bascially yes. Films.

I’m now sat on my bed picking at the rest of my popcorn from last night, wishing that most of the remains weren’t the annoying unpopped kernels and those fragments of sugary shells that do nothing but get stuck in your teeth. It’s kind of representative of my life at the moment... The bits at the bottom of a popcorn bag that nobody wants... Bit of a strange metaphor I know.

I found my old Nintendo DS earlier on in the week and it still had Pokémon Leaf Green in it. I hadn’t played it in months and basically I ended up playing it non-stop for about 5 hours. On the night before a mock exam. Priorities! I had nearly completed it so I kept on going until I did. I love that game... Next, naturally, I dug out my other Pokémon game that is a lot newer and I must admit I was disappointed! Now, if any of you play Pokémon, you’re probably familiar with the traditional Pokémon like Pikachu and Charmander... None of those are in the new game! Most of the Pokémon are basically cats, dogs, whales, you name it. I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I’m going back to the Gameboy one...

Now I’m giving myself the week off revision I have decided to just binge a bit on television. Not that I didn’t do that whilst procrastinating for my mocks, but now I’m allowed! Yet, now I have time, loads of television programmes are either finished or not my sort of thing. For example, Parks and Recreation (I love it so much), finished forever this week... Great. Maybe if I have the attention span I’ll start watching the rest of Game of Thrones again, which I haven’t watched for about three months. I’m going to be so confused.

At the moment I just want to curl up into a ball and ignore my responsibilities. If only there was a form of hibernation I could go into and when I emerge everything in my life will be sorted out already for me. Obviously that’s not going to happen but do you know what I mean? I seem to constantly be in the mood of wanting to do something but not wanting to do any of the things I could do. I need a bit of motivation, I guess. Or a hobby. Maybe a hobby would help me.

It’s funny when I think back to my younger self. I literally used to be so creative. If something could be made out of cardboard, paper and sellotape, I made it. My dream job was to be a writer. I used to write books (they were so terrible) and everything. I remember once when I emailed the author of Horrible Histories, asking for some advice on how to write good books and I got an email back very clearly dictating how I could get sent to prison for plagiarism.  I was 8. Long story short my teacher had an argument with him and our school ended up getting £100 of free books. Wow I need to find that email... I’m not being a writer now, thank goodness, I’m not sure I would cope. I do envy people with the talent though.

Anyway. I’m going to go and salvage what is left of my popcorn...

Laura. 

Time flies.

Does anybody else feel time is moving especially quickly at the moment? I mean yes, time is a concept created by humans (ooh philosophical) and clocks move at the same rate but oh my god where is time going?

I think the times it hits me most is when I’m on Twitter and something that feels like last month is referred to saying “Three years ago today!". It just blows my mind, honestly. I think having ‘Timehop’ would make it worse for me, I think (I have too many tweets to do it apparently – oops). Whenever I have these moments it just feels like “Oh my god we’re all dying”. It’s pretty scary really, especially when they say time goes faster the older you get. Can it slow down a bit please? I do want to savour this pre-exam, pre-university, pre-becoming-an-adult-with-a-life period of my life.

Speaking of becoming an adult with a life, I’m trying to be a bit more proactive with that at the moment. I have started looking at university courses, for example. Even though the prospect of university kind of scares me right now I think it might be the best path for me, and I think I’m going to do History! I’m also looking at maths too but I seriously have no idea why – I think I may end up crying and smashing my head into a wall repeatedly after two weeks if I do that... Maybe.

I have also signed up to the student magazine that should be starting up soon. I have volunteered to help them out with anything they need; and yes that includes writing articles on things. I’m not sure what I would be asked to write about but I feel if I was allowed to have a piece it would be along the lines of ‘Weekly rants with Laura’. I suppose I’m trying to expand a little bit with my experience as it’s so hard to get it properly. But yes, I’m trying that.

At least I am already very certain about what subject I want to drop next year for A-Levels (unless I fail maths or something...). At the start of the year I was pretty certain I was going to drop Psychology because I would physically have to stop myself falling asleep occasionally and looking at the clock every five seconds (a watched clock never changes... Can that be applied here?), but now it’s actually getting pretty interesting, honestly. We’ve started to study social influence and we started by guessing how many 20-year-old jellybeans were in a jar (we were warned not to eat any – that would be a bit of a strange form for my teacher to fill in). We were asked for our guesses twice to see whether we would change our answers depending on everyone else’s answer. The only thing was she actually didn’t know how many were in there. Not that we needed to know for the experiment, but our table volunteered to count them as we just needed to know (324 if you were interested). But yes, I want to drop English language, I’ve decided. I know some people may find it really interesting but I just don’t.

Careers... Still not certain. I want to get into TV but I haven’t really got any idea how to get there exactly... Yet. In the words of Chris Traeger, I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I want to do. Well maybe 20%... Possibly. Let’s see. I’m going to look at some universities this year so hopefully I’ll find something that’s right for me. In a way I’m sort of glad I’m having this existential crisis now instead of in a year's time.

I am currently trying to sit on my bed with my laptop in a position that doesn’t make my radio descend into a wave of static... There was actually some really great music on but now I have finally managed to settle into a position that doesn’t anger my radio, the music just got pretty bad. How ironic. Maybe it's a sign I should really get back to revision now... 

Laura. 

'Great god of technology'

To be totally honest with you all, the only reason I got up to write this is because I’ve had enough of maths revision for today. The amount of times I’ve written ‘substitute’ and ‘inequalities’ in the last hour is ridiculous. Okay, so maybe it’s not as many times as you’re probably imagining but it’s definitely enough for me... So here I am, writing this. I do enjoy writing this though so hopefully this will give me a bit of a break of sorts...

Usually my daily life involves my phone (actually, it always does) and this isn’t the best formula for effective revision. I have to listen to music whilst I revise - I just can’t seem to handle it in silence, and at least Fall Out Boy can make polynomial division slightly more bearable. I even read with music playing, which some people find a bit strange, but I honestly don’t find it a problem at all. Getting back to the point though, with my phone being with me all the time it just makes it so much harder to revise – not that I’m exactly changing that...

We were looking at a source in history a while ago about how people worshipped the ‘great god of technology’. Now that was written all the way back in the 1960s, but it made me think –it’s still pretty true. Just as a disclaimer, I’m not one of those “technology is so bad it’s poisoning our minds” people... Those people do get a bit much at times. Yes, I see where you’re coming from, but honestly, technology is pretty bloody cool.

I put my hands up – I am addicted to technology. I’m not wallowing in that fact, I just know that I am. I have a Twitter account, I have Facebook, I have whatever else there is and I’m content with that. I am knitted into the cyber universe (wow, way to sound forty years old, Laura); and whilst people may preach about how we should throw our phones and laptops out of the nearest window and run off into the wilderness; that’s never going to happen. Yes, people may be on their phones a lot, but a lot of that (for me anyway) is usually socialising. Twitter is pretty great for me, really. A group of people, separate to my main ‘squad’ (that’s the official name now, I’m told) that I can talk with at 2am about stuff that interests us – I’ve actually met a lot of great friends online (and no they were not forty year old paedophiles). That of course doesn’t mean I can’t talk to my ‘in real life’ friends but it’s sometimes fun to have some people to rant and joke with online about some obscure topic that concerns something pretty trivial. Twitter can be quite eye-opening at times but also very hilarious.

I know I would most definitely get more work done if I didn’t have Twitter or Facebook (who am I kidding - I barely use Facebook) but I wouldn’t give them up. In the future I may have a break from them possibly, but now I’ve been online for so long it’s sort of hard to contemplate a situation where I'm not always up to date with news or I don't have somewhere to post my daily rambles. Plus, without sounding slightly creepy, you can stay anonymous if you want, especially on sites like Twitter – people don’t have to know everything about you, you can just pick the things you want to share, which you can’t always do in real life. Also, to be honest I can be very socially awkward in real life situations so typing behind a screen is a nice comfort sometimes. I realise this paragraph has made me sound like a malicious cyber-stalker, but I can promise you I am not... 

The internet is a great place. Apart from the aspect of cyber bullying, I've never fully understood why people would want to get rid of the internet altogether and hark back to the olden days. I mean the fact that I can look up the most random fact and get an answer instantly is pretty amazing. I know I’d be hopeless at doing the crossword in the paper if I didn’t have the internet, that’s for sure. Some more face-to-face interaction would be nice, I guess, but saying that the internet is this dangerous entity ruining our generation? No...

Does this count as a rant? I’m not sure it does, to be honest, so that’s an achievement. According to psychology I have a type A personality so that means I’m easily irritated. Hit the nail on the head there, psychology. But at the same time I have a zero hardiness score for stress so that’s a lovely thought, isn’t it? (The top score was 18. Oh god.)

Anyway, I think this is a long enough ramble for today.

Laura. 

The bigger picture.

So it’s February! [unenthusiastic forced cheering] I used to always spell February wrong when I was younger, which I’m sure quite a lot of other people did too (“It’s February”). I really don’t have anything to look forward to this month, and it’s only just hit me that my mock exams are this month... Oh dear. I am yet to start revising Totalitarian Russia for History... Ah.

Yesterday I went to a course with my friend Kayleigh in Ealing Broadway (London) about Television production (I think I’ve mentioned it before). When we pulled up to Ealing Studios, I thought it looked tiny, but it turns out it’s a lot bigger in the back... Unfortunately all of the studios were closed for the day, I guess, seeing as it was quiet and all the doors were closed! It felt pretty cool to be at Ealing Studios though because so many things have been filmed there, even some parts of my favourite films and TV shows! According to my sister, Shaun of the Dead was apparently filmed there (got to love Simon Pegg), some Doctor Who (my childhood) is also filmed there, as is Downton Abbey. I must admit I did freak out a tiny bit inside when we went up to find the toilets and the production offices for Downton Abbey were right in front of us... I wonder if they were planning to kill any more of my favourite characters off in there.  We did actually find a Downton Abbey studio door though, a caution sign stating ‘REAL GLASS USED ON SET. And some fake glass. And sometimes no glass at all’. That did make me laugh – got to cover all bases...

Anyway, back to the course, it was actually really interesting. Television production is actually so complicated it’s a bit worrying – there are so many different jobs people do and you need to get it right! The fact that we were told that a lot of the jobs are in London worried me – I live over two hours away and literally nothing happens in my city... I already knew that to be honest but it doesn’t really help my current situation! Overall though, I definitely think that television is the job for me, no matter how hard I am going to have to persevere to get into it. There wasn’t any point in the course where I was bored (yes, even the budgeting part) and it just seemed right – you know? That of course doesn’t yet solve the problem of the ‘big dilemma’, but at least it’s given me a bit of insight into what it’s going to be like. I need a runner job and a driver’s license by next summer ideally... Yes, Laura, good luck with that.

First of all though I need motivation. It’s really quite hard for me to find that push to want to actually get up and do some revision. Whenever I say to my mum about needing more motivation, she always says “Well aren’t your exams motivation enough?”. That’s the thing, I get where she’s coming from, they should be enough, but it just doesn’t seem to work like that with me. I can’t see the bigger picture very well, I don’t necessarily see into the future where I am smashing my head repeatedly into the table when I don’t know the answer in the exam. There’s always something I’d rather be doing. Can’t I just skip to the part where I have my life sorted out, please? 

Laura. 

Another ramble.

I feel like I haven’t really introduced myself enough on here... What are my interests, what are my non-existent hobbies? Well if you want to know all of that gripping stuff then you’ve come to the right place, my friend. I’m not sure if I’m the only one but whenever somebody asks “Hey, what are your favourite ______?” it kind of stresses me out. I feel like I need to credit every single thing that I love, for the fear of missing out something/somebody vital and betraying them in a strange way...

If you’re one of my friends, you can probably skip this paragraph if you like, you know it all anyway (as I constantly remind you). I like television – a lot – if you hadn’t already guessed. I do watch a ton of shows (way too many for the workload I’m supposed to be doing): Sherlock, Parks and Recreation and Downton Abbey being a few among the masses that I love (again – I feel like a traitor by not mentioning the other 6485 that I love). I would literally be typing for a whole page if I mentioned them all, and I don’t think either of us want that, do we? Keep it clear and to the point, Laura!

Moving onto music, I have to mention my favourite band which is most definitely Coldplay. I love their music so much I can’t even describe. I heard a Radio 4 DJ once describe their music as ‘plugging your headphones into a tin of beige paint’, which is a load of rubbish - one of their albums they spray everything with multicoloured paints, for god’s sake. They are not a dull band, trust me. I do love other music a hell of a lot too, especially Bombay Bicycle Club and Fall Out Boy (who I’m seeing live again this October – yes!).

As for academic interests, I’m one of those unlucky people that doesn’t really have any academic subjects they’re passionate about. I mean I do like History but it’s not exactly the most inspiring at the moment. Half of my AS level course is based around the 1960s in Britain. The amount of facts I have written down about how many fridges people owned throughout that decade makes me want to slam my head into a wall (69% of people by 1971 if you were wondering).I don’t think I’ll do a degree in that era if I do decide to go into History...

Speaking of careers, I actually did something productive today! I sat in on my local BBC radio station show and was shown how things worked. Yes, it was a three hour long show full of 70s music but I found it really interesting to see how it all works. It has sort of made my mind up though that I don’t think I’ll be going into radio. After seeing the producer (the job I thought I wanted) speak on the radio quite a lot and the presenter actually doing a lot of the technical stuff, I’m not sure if it’s really for me – not in the studio, anyway. I couldn’t be a presenter, I really couldn’t. I hate my own voice and I stumble over my words a hell of a lot and I bet I would be that person who accidentally leaves the microphone live or obliviously swears on air. Television is still the route for me, I think. I’m going on a TV production course in London with my friend next Saturday so I hope it’s useful for me!

I am now aware this post has gone slightly off-piste. I try to plan these things but they never really turn out that way, really. My blog is just one big ramble at the moment and I hope it isn’t too terrible to read. I am also becoming increasingly aware of just how many brackets I use in these posts. Sorry about that, I feel like Gollum with his two voices, except one is a lot more sarcastic.

Looking at my other friends’ blogs it kind of highlights how depressing mine sounds at times, so I’m going to try and make this a bit better for you read (if you are still reading, thank you). Don’t worry, I’m not going to link you to one of those cheesy American self-motivation videos that usually have some person playing basketball in them. Whenever I see those I usually respond throughout with sarcastic comments, as I do with most things, including this blog.

I think it’s time for me to shut up now.

Laura.