Hello, we haven't talked in quite some time...

I feel like I need to start this blog again as I realise a hell of lot has happened in my life since I last posted on here. I was slightly horrified to find the last time I’d posted here was in April. I literally say pretty much every blog post that I am horrified how little I post… But I am. I’m not a great blogger… So yes anyway, a lot has happened. Well - it has and it hasn’t… Surprise, I didn’t end up going to university this year! I am going to go next year, but I’ll get onto that.

So just to update you on the chronology of this whole thing, when I last posted I had chosen that I was going to go to Manchester for university. So this was my firm choice up to results day, but it wasn’t the first firm choice I made. Now this wasn’t an initially straightforward decision by any means. If you know me (or have read the rest of this blog), you’ll know that I eventually would love to go into TV or radio production. Many people have told me that I’m being unrealistic by wanting to pursue this (yes, I am fully aware it’s bloody difficult) but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t try. As indecisive as I am, the idea of going into this industry has not wavered in my mind (not a lot of things do that) and my instincts are telling me to follow it, at least for now. The only issue is that loads of this industry is in London. I mean you can get it other places but it’s a lot more few and far between in terms of places that do this kind of thing (unless anyone has any recommendations?). Hence my looking for universities in London. I thought I could possibly end up there for work in the future if things went well but knowing myself I knew I probably wouldn’t make myself move there later in life i.e. post-graduating…

I love London but unsurprisingly (more than a year ago) I was scared shitless about going there for university. Well - it was more about living there rather than the actual course. I want to do history at university and all of the libraries are there so really it would be easier in that sense. Everything else? Not so much.  At the time this seemed like a good fear though! It started off as an abstract idea of going (my Dad went to university in London, too) but when I visited I actually loved it so much. In particular, a university which shall not be named (way to make it sound like Voldemort) that I thought was way out of my league. However I had the predicted grades I needed so I applied! This was not a whimsical decision for me, no matter what my teachers said to me. I’m not kidding, none of them said anything near encouraging when I told them where I was looking (even though it is an amazing university). Despite barely knowing me as a person, one of my teachers even told me during parents’ evening that he couldn’t see me there at all (this was after I’d applied and he knew that). It made me feel horrible but I knew my own mind though so I carried on (I didn’t even dare to ask any of my teachers for help with the extra entry essay).Then I got an offer. That really shocked me and I was so proud of myself that it sort of eclipsed all of my other offers in a way. My other offers were for other great universities but this was the unrealistic one that actually came off well. I thought long and hard for a good long while after that and then I eventually made that university my firm offer and I made Manchester my insurance. I was going to make this work as I’d always wonder what it would have been like if I didn’t go.

Then the meltdown happened. I won’t go into detail about what it was about specifically, but basically I was scared shitless about going to London and I wasn’t sure if I would be okay there (indecisive Laura at it again). I’m pretty sure this was mostly an amalgamation of all of the negative comments everyone had said to me mixed in with my own insecurities. I also think it was to do with the fact I wasn’t emotionally ready to go to university. Strangely, none of my worries were about grades even though it was very unlikely I was going to get them (I did actually get them and I am still in shock). At this point I didn’t really care about my grades as such, I was just carrying on in college and hoping for the best. So I did a hurried ring to UCAS who told me that I could change my firm and insurance by a certain date which was about two weeks later. This is very important to realise if anyone reading this is applying to university… You can change your mind even after you have firmed. Which I did, making Manchester my new firm choice. This took the pressure off a lot to be honest. I was honestly content with my decision at the time, I didn’t want to stress myself too much… For me in my head, Manchester was more my “safe” option. When I say “safe”, I mean that Manchester is more typically classed as more ‘studenty’ and that I could find out a lot more and predict what life day-to-day was going to be there. Also, the accommodation made it a safer option for quite a few reasons and that was my main stressor at the time. My previous firm had a lot of accommodation issues (specific to that university) that scared me a lot.

However, after my exams though I started to feel a bit weird about the whole thing. Whilst loads of my friends were already talking about how they were desperate to get into their university of choice, I felt nothing. I had built myself up so much despite criticism and gone for London, only to have to abandoned the idea. Even though I did (and still do) love Manchester and its university, I couldn’t help but feel I had prematurely picked my second choice and the whole prospect of getting into university was an anticlimax. So cue meltdown number two (are you sensing a pattern?).

Weirdly deep down I kind of always knew I wasn’t going to university this year. Even before applying to university the first time, I think in the back of my head I always knew that something wouldn’t work out as it seemed. Whenever I was asked whether I could “see myself” in a place, I couldn’t at all. I mean I knew this was normal feeling because it was so far away at the time. But when it was a few days before results and I still couldn’t get excited or imagine myself in this new place I was supposed to be desperate to get into, I knew something wasn’t right. When teachers asked me and my friends where we were going, I kind of felt like I was lying when I said mine… (I wasn’t lying of course, for all intents and purposes that was still my intended path). This wasn’t even about Manchester, wherever I had picked I would have felt like that. If I had kept my London choice I would have probably still ended up where I am now but probably a further step on from a meltdown. Think of it like that analogy about time travel where even if you chuck a pebble into a stream, a timestream will always revert to the same course. 

This didn’t change the fact that I wanted to do a history degree. I want a university education still and I believe I will still go and do that. Just not this year. My brain is still fried after my A-levels (more breakdowns in that as well, usually over maths) and I think taking a gap year would be best. I remember my Mum telling me to call off on deciding on a gap year until nearer results day as I may be “eager for education again by September”. I took in that point and waited but I haven’t felt that yet, even with my friends all starting their courses. I will be ready to do that at some point, but I’m just a bit relieved I have more time to sort myself out. However, this doesn’t mean I love the fact that I’m taking a gap year. I miss my friends so much (I’m so proud of them and happy for them) and to be honest I’m slightly jealous at the fact that they were actually able to go this year (in a good way, just to clarify). I just had no choice really, I felt like I was on the edge of a breakdown every time I so much thought about university. It’s going to be a tough year for me both practically and mentally but I have to know that it’s the best thing for me.

Thankfully my grades have been my saving grace. With the grades I got, it means I can reapply to a lot of universities and the ones I dismissed last year without a lot of thought. One of which I really, really like. And guess what? It’s in London… So yes I have decided that I need to give that city a try (or at least apply) and why not do it as a student? I may change my mind again before September but that’s okay. It’s okay to change your mind and go off-course sometimes. Whilst I’m feeling a bit bad at the moment, a year is a long time in which to improve myself. I would love to become a bit more confident, try to gain the experience I couldn’t before due to me being at college and earn a bit of money. If I hadn’t have got the grades I wanted but still got into Manchester I would have definitely accepted it but put it off a year. It just didn’t feel right this year no matter where I went.

It hit home for me when I saw everyone else leaving for university. I was sad of course because I was going to miss my friends and I didn’t (and still don’t) know what I was going to with my year. I need to be positive though, which is hard because I am a pessimist. I used to call myself a realist but to be honest I am a pessimist, I should stop denying it… I'm really thankful to have such lovely friends that are keeping in contact with me so much despite being super busy themselves. 

So that’s you guys all up to speed again. I’m not sure how many of you are bothered, but I still wanted to write it down. 

In terms of things to look forward to, I have a few things! Tomorrow I start a placement at my local BBC radio station which should be really interesting (even though I get very nervous when meeting new people). I’m going to attempt to follow that up with something else if all goes well (I’m not holding out much hope but it’s worth a go asking). Thankfully I am going to the theatre on the Saturday after the full on week of experience and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a play called The Boys In The Band and the premise sounds amazing - it also has a couple of my favourite actors in it too so that should be good. I’m going with a couple of my friends, Beth and Sam, so all in all that will be a really nice day down in London. I also have a few other things tentatively planned before the end of the year and early into next year but hopefully I’ll make myself post on here at a time that they are more chronologically relevant. I don’t want to exactly splurge everything onto here now and have nothing to talk about in another post. I’m already on rations at the moment…

I’ve noticed that I’ve been ranting a lot to my family a lot more (not about them, about the government and social norms mostly, that sort of thing) so maybe I should convert all that energy into updating this blog. I mean I know nobody really reads this (apart from a few I know who do, thanks for taking the time to read this mammoth) but it’s a cathartic activity for me. That, and the fact that I put it down on my personal statement that I update my blog regularly. I wrote that last year and at the time it was true. Now? Not so much. I will attempt to change that… I don’t really lie to universities if I can help it!

Motivation is my biggest problem at the moment, which is evidently clear by the fact that it has taken me nearly three days to type this post up and the fact that I am sat on a currently half-made bed. I should probably finish doing that next. I’ll most likely end up watching American Horror Story but I’ll see how the afternoon goes. 

Thanks if you got to the end of this and I’ll talk to you next time, comrades.

Laura.

All aboard for Procrastination Station

I always feel so bad when I realise this blog is basically a procrastination method. I’m sorry, I’m using you. So here I am again at a trough in my motivation sine wave and I am a stationary point (can you tell I’ve been doing maths all day?). Therefore, blogging time!

What’s happened since my last post? I’m at least trying to keep some sort of a record of my year at least for myself if anyone! At the start of April I went down to London with my friends Beth and Sophie to the red carpet of the Olivier Awards (theatre awards). That was an experience! I had never actually done a red carpet before and it was a lot of waiting but totally worth it. In the flurry of intenseness we managed to meet quite a few people on the carpet. We had stayed in a hotel the night before and at the crack of dawn (I’m not even joking) we experienced the wonder of the London night bus… Was it comforting I could see a CCTV screen from my seat? I’m not sure… Navigating the Strand when it was deserted was interesting though, all of the theatres shut and nobody in the streets (except for a few people shouting “We’ve only just finished our shift!”  at us as they passed).

It’s just something about London early in the morning that I love (when I’m not concentrating on how sleep-deprived I am). All of the hustle and bustle taken away, the city quiet for just a bit longer until it all gets crazy a few hours later. It’s like if you go to the South Bank at about seven in the morning or close to midnight, it just feels so lovely to have it (sort of) to yourself for a little bit, to have such a crazy city feel momentarily peaceful… Then you realise you’re just up stupidly early and everyone else is still sleeping like normal people on a Saturday…

Speaking of London, I’ve chosen where I am going to university! And it’s not London (it was going to be, but that’s another story), it’s Manchester! That’s if I get the grades of course. I can’t remember if I mentioned before but I’m going to be studying history so I better be prepared for a lot of reading (sidenote: I’m really not ready for that). I also need to be prepared to leave home and survive on my own (extra sidenote: not ready for that either). I think Manchester seems like a cool city and it’s ironic how its rail link to London is actually quicker than from where I’m currently living, despite the fact that Manchester is a lot more north. I’m most likely going to need to go down to London libraries when I do my dissertation [she types, slightly terrified at the prospect]. I do love the north of England and apparently I shall never want for a regular bus. Or rain. Lots of that.

Back to the reason I am writing this post in the first place is my revision, which is really taking it out of me. I have a statistics test tomorrow and I’m pretty screwed for it, honestly. I’ve sort of accepted I’m not going to get top grades in maths but even the lower grades are hard to get! It doesn’t really help that the questions have really boring scenarios. For example, yesterday I was calculating how effective a sewage filtration system was at removing ‘foreign matter’… Nice (p.s. it really wasn’t that effective, ew). So basically the maths exams are even more boring than they have to be. And they're boring to start with. I really don’t care that somebody is measuring the temperature of a metal ball or how many bunches of flowers a shop is likely to sell in a month… 

The bottomless pit of history revision is scaring me the most though. I think I’m just going to have to give it my best and hope it doesn’t go too badly. It’s sixty years of British history in which you have to know practically everything that happens. Literally, no stone is left unturned. I am drowning in notes and stress. English is pretty chilled by comparison, really (thank the lord for that!). I just cannot stop procrastinating, I'm even doing it right now by writing this!

April is going so quickly - it’s terrifying. I have an exam in less than a month! I am not ready for that at all. Plus I have my birthday in the middle of them… I’ve not even had chance to think about the fact that I am seeing Coldplay live in just over a month so I need to get excited for that at some point. I suppose I’ve just been drifting through college aimlessly (more like struggling against a tide but still) and I have lost all sense of time. What is a week anymore? I have no idea. I literally do not know what the date is most days at the moment, which is probably slightly worrying. 

Anyway, time to get back to statistics and calculate what the probability is of me passing that test tomorrow…

Laura.

Internet friends

So apparently today it’s internet friends day! As it so happens, I was planning on writing a post about internet friends for a while after my friend Beth (who I actually happened to meet on the internet) and I were chatting. The thing is, once you meet up with someone who you met online, are they still an ‘internet friend’ or just a friend? Same difference, really. I always feel awkward when I have to refer to someone as an ‘internet friend’ instead of a friend when I could have exactly the same conversations with them than I could do with my friends in ‘real life’.

I think generally the internet has its ups and downs. It’s ups being having the ability to look up all of recorded human history (pretty much) and any weird fact you can think of on Google (is it weird that up until yesterday I didn’t realise that grapes are actually berries?). It’s had that much impact that ‘google’ is now a verb when it never was before (the original term comes from a googol which is a 1 followed by 100 zeros - neat) and our ‘real' lives have become so interwoven with our online lives that we couldn’t imagine life without it. My god, I remember coming home from college the other night to hear my sister say to me “by the way Laura, the internet is down and has been all day”. The horror.

Of course when you have lots of people all busying themselves with the internet, they eventually talk to each other and, like the ‘real’ world, there are going to be some good people and some bad people. It’s a difficult topic really. The general societal fear of the internet is that should someone hide anonymously behind a screen, they will be able to commit malicious acts (which happens quite frequently, unfortunately). However, I don’t think the internet should be getting a bad reputation altogether.

I was in an English Language lesson the other week when we were talking about texting and ‘internet-speak’ (it’s what all the cool kids use now, apparently) and I’m not quite sure how it came up in conversation but we began talking about a recent documentary about a teenage boy who was murdered by someone he had met online. I myself had watched the documentary and I was shocked at how horrible it was. It was a rare occurrence even though all of the correct precautions seemed to have been taken. But the reaction of my classmates towards the internet in general following this chat surprised me a bit.

“Why would you make friends online, that’s just a stupid thing to do!” one of them said, and yes I suppose in the context of the conversation, it was a justified argument. However, I felt like it was tarring all internet communities with the same brush. What must they think of me, who meets up with internet friends regularly? I’m not sure if it would surprise you, but I'm not particularly friendly with some of the people I am forced into education with (I do have some great friends there too - shout-out to all of you gracious beings). So that’s why it’s also nice to be able to find new friends in that niche of what you’re interested in. For example I may love a particular band, but if my friends aren’t really into that band, then at least I have some other great friends who I can get into really in-depth conversations with about that band (I do still ramble a lot to whoever though, I suppose. I never shut up, okay).

When I was younger and first discovered the internet (the real internet, not just Club Penguin, even though that game is legendary) of course I was shy but then I realised that I actually had people who liked the same things as me to the same level I liked them. It was like a miracle. Of course at that point I didn’t quite realise how vast some of these communities were, but to me, having one person tweet me to say “Hey! You like that band? I like that band too!” was miraculous like oh-my-god-other-people-who-like-the-same-things-actually-exist? I am lucky that I’ve generally had quite a lot in common with my ‘real life’ friends but I know there are certainly some people who come to the internet with no friends and find some great people who they can connect with and talk to whilst being themselves, which is another thing that it’s sometimes hard to do when in the midst of education.

I have met so many lovely people through the internet (if I name them it will take too long but you know who you are), but I always made sure I was safe when doing so, such as going with a friend or being in a public place for a first meeting. This is so important, seriously! Once you’ve met them once, twice or maybe a few times then sure it doesn’t matter as much, but it’s certainly a safety net should your internet friend turn out to be a 40-year-old IT consultant from Slough instead of 16-year-old One Direction mad Jennifer from Surrey. I am over exaggerating a bit but you get what I mean.

As I said, I have met loads of amazing people through the internet. Mainly for me it was Twitter. I didn’t in fact meet up with anybody until about 7 months after I had spoken to them in 2012 and we are still friends today. More recently in the last few years, I’ve met others as well whom I enjoy meeting up with. For example, an actor I really admire, Andrew Scott, was doing a play in London. I know that whilst my ‘real life’ friends may not be overly bothered about seeing that actor in theatre (which is fine obviously) I knew I had people who wanted to see the play just as much as me. In April I’m even spending the weekend with my friend Beth in London to go and do something we both love and in Summer I'm going to a concert with my original internet crew because we all love the same band (p.s. it’s Coldplay).

Of course the internet and those sorts of communities aren’t for everyone and that is completely okay as we are all different but I feel like there should be a bit more appreciation for them. Internet friends are real friends and I think of all of my friends as friends. The fact that we live across the country (and sometimes in completely different countries) doesn’t matter that much at the end of the day. I like to have a balance of it, really. I’m appreciating all of my friends here because I know I don’t say it a lot but you are all great. And even if you’re not one of my friends, thank you so much for reading, you cool person on the other side of the screen. 

I feel like this is the longest I’ve rambled but I guess it’s just a topic I like talking about. Would you guys like more discussion-type posts like this? I feel more productive when I do these honestly and I’m sure you are bored enough by me speaking about my life. In case you wanted an update as it’s probably been way too long since I updated this blog, I am still studying for my A-levels! (no, nothing exciting then). I’ve received 5 out of 5 of my university offers which is crazy but I still have to choose which I want to go to which is such a difficult decision for me as I am literally the most indecisive person ever. But I shall prosper.

Godspeed readers, 

Laura.

P.S. Go and check out my friend Beth’s blog which she has just started up! She’s given me a sneaky promo on there so I thought it only right to return the favour!

Should old blogs be forgot and never brought to mind?

Greetings my friends (unless any of you hate me, of course). Recently I realised how appalling it is that I’ve left this blog so long without posting anything! To be frank, the main reason for that is that I’m never sure what to ramble about exactly. The reason that comes a close second is that I’m not the most motivated recently...

Since September I feel like I’ve been simultaneously very busy but also very bored! Since I last spoke to you I sent off the dreaded UCAS application and I’ve actually had some offers from universities (not all of them yet, though!). For one of them I had to write an abstract essay in the space of a week with the deadline on Christmas Eve. Yes, that was definitely interesting to say the least...

With Christmas now over (it doesn’t really feel like it happened really) and 2016 well and truly here, I felt I should return to the good old blog. Don’t get too excited, nothing very significant has occurred to spark this sudden return. Part of me admits this could be a form of procrastination and I think it might be correct. At least this feels like I’m being productive even if nobody reads it and it’s a load of rubbish I’m writing out at 11pm.

Right now I’m finding that I’m not feeling very optimistic for the year ahead. Of course I have a couple of exciting concerts and theatre trips to look forward to, but I also have some not-so-nice things ahead. First, exams, and all the revision that comes with it. It is incredibly daunting to me at the moment and I just really need to get some motivation already! It’s funny, whenever I have the “I have no motivation” conversation with my family the answer is always just “Well you need to be!” which of course, doesn’t really aid me much in my struggle... If only it were that easy! I’m feeling myself spiralling into the swirling sea of stress.

The other giant oh-dear-god-I’m-not-ready-yet thing that is approaching me this year is university. Sure I have offers, but for me I don’t have a clear-cut “I want to go there!” option. I have a couple of options I’m ruling out but it still doesn’t make the final decision much easier. Of course there’s the question of the grades but really the most worrying aspect is that I am literally the most indecisive person I know. If I choose one thing I end up changing my mind. And then changing it back again... And again... And again... You get the point. There is not really anything I’m concretely sure about at this moment in time. Well. This year should go swimmingly then, shouldn’t it?

On a lighter note I feel I should try to document some of the things I have loved recently in terms of non-academic procrastination material. My favourite band (Coldplay, in case you didn’t know) released an album recently and I was really pleased with it! Also, I’ve watched some great films and television. Jessica Jones on Netflix was a marvel (in every sense of the word) and London Spy on BBC2 was also amazing (although slightly disturbing in places). I of course have to mention the new Sherlock episode too! I thought it was very clever and made you really look deeper into a plot (and stunning cinematography too – what’s not to love?). On New Year’s Eve I watched the new Star Wars film and wow I was blown away. It was so good. I have to admit to you all that I had never seen the originals up until recently but I really have been missing out on this universe!

Anyway, I am becoming acutely aware of how many exclamation marks I have used in this post. I should probably leave it there if only to spare your internal voice shouting at you. I will try to update more this year (this sounds like an empty promise but oh well) and I will see you next time.

Back to college as well tomorrow, the joys.

Laura.