I feel like I need to start this blog again as I realise a hell of lot has happened in my life since I last posted on here. I was slightly horrified to find the last time I’d posted here was in April. I literally say pretty much every blog post that I am horrified how little I post… But I am. I’m not a great blogger… So yes anyway, a lot has happened. Well - it has and it hasn’t… Surprise, I didn’t end up going to university this year! I am going to go next year, but I’ll get onto that.
So just to update you on the chronology of this whole thing, when I last posted I had chosen that I was going to go to Manchester for university. So this was my firm choice up to results day, but it wasn’t the first firm choice I made. Now this wasn’t an initially straightforward decision by any means. If you know me (or have read the rest of this blog), you’ll know that I eventually would love to go into TV or radio production. Many people have told me that I’m being unrealistic by wanting to pursue this (yes, I am fully aware it’s bloody difficult) but I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t try. As indecisive as I am, the idea of going into this industry has not wavered in my mind (not a lot of things do that) and my instincts are telling me to follow it, at least for now. The only issue is that loads of this industry is in London. I mean you can get it other places but it’s a lot more few and far between in terms of places that do this kind of thing (unless anyone has any recommendations?). Hence my looking for universities in London. I thought I could possibly end up there for work in the future if things went well but knowing myself I knew I probably wouldn’t make myself move there later in life i.e. post-graduating…
I love London but unsurprisingly (more than a year ago) I was scared shitless about going there for university. Well - it was more about living there rather than the actual course. I want to do history at university and all of the libraries are there so really it would be easier in that sense. Everything else? Not so much. At the time this seemed like a good fear though! It started off as an abstract idea of going (my Dad went to university in London, too) but when I visited I actually loved it so much. In particular, a university which shall not be named (way to make it sound like Voldemort) that I thought was way out of my league. However I had the predicted grades I needed so I applied! This was not a whimsical decision for me, no matter what my teachers said to me. I’m not kidding, none of them said anything near encouraging when I told them where I was looking (even though it is an amazing university). Despite barely knowing me as a person, one of my teachers even told me during parents’ evening that he couldn’t see me there at all (this was after I’d applied and he knew that). It made me feel horrible but I knew my own mind though so I carried on (I didn’t even dare to ask any of my teachers for help with the extra entry essay).Then I got an offer. That really shocked me and I was so proud of myself that it sort of eclipsed all of my other offers in a way. My other offers were for other great universities but this was the unrealistic one that actually came off well. I thought long and hard for a good long while after that and then I eventually made that university my firm offer and I made Manchester my insurance. I was going to make this work as I’d always wonder what it would have been like if I didn’t go.
Then the meltdown happened. I won’t go into detail about what it was about specifically, but basically I was scared shitless about going to London and I wasn’t sure if I would be okay there (indecisive Laura at it again). I’m pretty sure this was mostly an amalgamation of all of the negative comments everyone had said to me mixed in with my own insecurities. I also think it was to do with the fact I wasn’t emotionally ready to go to university. Strangely, none of my worries were about grades even though it was very unlikely I was going to get them (I did actually get them and I am still in shock). At this point I didn’t really care about my grades as such, I was just carrying on in college and hoping for the best. So I did a hurried ring to UCAS who told me that I could change my firm and insurance by a certain date which was about two weeks later. This is very important to realise if anyone reading this is applying to university… You can change your mind even after you have firmed. Which I did, making Manchester my new firm choice. This took the pressure off a lot to be honest. I was honestly content with my decision at the time, I didn’t want to stress myself too much… For me in my head, Manchester was more my “safe” option. When I say “safe”, I mean that Manchester is more typically classed as more ‘studenty’ and that I could find out a lot more and predict what life day-to-day was going to be there. Also, the accommodation made it a safer option for quite a few reasons and that was my main stressor at the time. My previous firm had a lot of accommodation issues (specific to that university) that scared me a lot.
However, after my exams though I started to feel a bit weird about the whole thing. Whilst loads of my friends were already talking about how they were desperate to get into their university of choice, I felt nothing. I had built myself up so much despite criticism and gone for London, only to have to abandoned the idea. Even though I did (and still do) love Manchester and its university, I couldn’t help but feel I had prematurely picked my second choice and the whole prospect of getting into university was an anticlimax. So cue meltdown number two (are you sensing a pattern?).
Weirdly deep down I kind of always knew I wasn’t going to university this year. Even before applying to university the first time, I think in the back of my head I always knew that something wouldn’t work out as it seemed. Whenever I was asked whether I could “see myself” in a place, I couldn’t at all. I mean I knew this was normal feeling because it was so far away at the time. But when it was a few days before results and I still couldn’t get excited or imagine myself in this new place I was supposed to be desperate to get into, I knew something wasn’t right. When teachers asked me and my friends where we were going, I kind of felt like I was lying when I said mine… (I wasn’t lying of course, for all intents and purposes that was still my intended path). This wasn’t even about Manchester, wherever I had picked I would have felt like that. If I had kept my London choice I would have probably still ended up where I am now but probably a further step on from a meltdown. Think of it like that analogy about time travel where even if you chuck a pebble into a stream, a timestream will always revert to the same course.
This didn’t change the fact that I wanted to do a history degree. I want a university education still and I believe I will still go and do that. Just not this year. My brain is still fried after my A-levels (more breakdowns in that as well, usually over maths) and I think taking a gap year would be best. I remember my Mum telling me to call off on deciding on a gap year until nearer results day as I may be “eager for education again by September”. I took in that point and waited but I haven’t felt that yet, even with my friends all starting their courses. I will be ready to do that at some point, but I’m just a bit relieved I have more time to sort myself out. However, this doesn’t mean I love the fact that I’m taking a gap year. I miss my friends so much (I’m so proud of them and happy for them) and to be honest I’m slightly jealous at the fact that they were actually able to go this year (in a good way, just to clarify). I just had no choice really, I felt like I was on the edge of a breakdown every time I so much thought about university. It’s going to be a tough year for me both practically and mentally but I have to know that it’s the best thing for me.
Thankfully my grades have been my saving grace. With the grades I got, it means I can reapply to a lot of universities and the ones I dismissed last year without a lot of thought. One of which I really, really like. And guess what? It’s in London… So yes I have decided that I need to give that city a try (or at least apply) and why not do it as a student? I may change my mind again before September but that’s okay. It’s okay to change your mind and go off-course sometimes. Whilst I’m feeling a bit bad at the moment, a year is a long time in which to improve myself. I would love to become a bit more confident, try to gain the experience I couldn’t before due to me being at college and earn a bit of money. If I hadn’t have got the grades I wanted but still got into Manchester I would have definitely accepted it but put it off a year. It just didn’t feel right this year no matter where I went.
It hit home for me when I saw everyone else leaving for university. I was sad of course because I was going to miss my friends and I didn’t (and still don’t) know what I was going to with my year. I need to be positive though, which is hard because I am a pessimist. I used to call myself a realist but to be honest I am a pessimist, I should stop denying it… I'm really thankful to have such lovely friends that are keeping in contact with me so much despite being super busy themselves.
So that’s you guys all up to speed again. I’m not sure how many of you are bothered, but I still wanted to write it down.
In terms of things to look forward to, I have a few things! Tomorrow I start a placement at my local BBC radio station which should be really interesting (even though I get very nervous when meeting new people). I’m going to attempt to follow that up with something else if all goes well (I’m not holding out much hope but it’s worth a go asking). Thankfully I am going to the theatre on the Saturday after the full on week of experience and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a play called The Boys In The Band and the premise sounds amazing - it also has a couple of my favourite actors in it too so that should be good. I’m going with a couple of my friends, Beth and Sam, so all in all that will be a really nice day down in London. I also have a few other things tentatively planned before the end of the year and early into next year but hopefully I’ll make myself post on here at a time that they are more chronologically relevant. I don’t want to exactly splurge everything onto here now and have nothing to talk about in another post. I’m already on rations at the moment…
I’ve noticed that I’ve been ranting a lot to my family a lot more (not about them, about the government and social norms mostly, that sort of thing) so maybe I should convert all that energy into updating this blog. I mean I know nobody really reads this (apart from a few I know who do, thanks for taking the time to read this mammoth) but it’s a cathartic activity for me. That, and the fact that I put it down on my personal statement that I update my blog regularly. I wrote that last year and at the time it was true. Now? Not so much. I will attempt to change that… I don’t really lie to universities if I can help it!
Motivation is my biggest problem at the moment, which is evidently clear by the fact that it has taken me nearly three days to type this post up and the fact that I am sat on a currently half-made bed. I should probably finish doing that next. I’ll most likely end up watching American Horror Story but I’ll see how the afternoon goes.
Thanks if you got to the end of this and I’ll talk to you next time, comrades.
Laura.
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