I was recently reminded of the existence of this blog and I realise I should probably get back into the habit of actually writing semi-length pieces again. It’s a bit bad that I say this every time I come on here but I’m just really bad at updating. If I’m honest with you all (because where else can I be brutally honest if not on the internet), I’ve really not been that great lately. It says it all when it’s taken me to this point in the post to remember it’s 2017. Happy New Year, by the way… This seriously isn’t one of those new year’s resolution posts, I promise you. This is just me, sat on my bed typing without any sort of plan to this thing.
I’m starting to realise lately how unrealistic it is to plan out your life in advance. Personally for me a prime example of this is university. Ever since my sister went to university over six years ago, I’ve always kind of assumed that I would go straight there and do something (I wasn’t sure what). That obviously hasn’t worked out - but that’s okay. It’s not necessarily a bad thing that I had a pre-university breakdown that resulted in me not going to university… Sure, it was stressful and breakdowns are never nice, but I sincerely hope I’ll be in a much better place mentally by September (even if I’m so confused what I’m going to be even doing this year). When people joke about being indecisive I think most people mean choosing between desserts and stuff like that - I am indecisive to the point where even if I have months to decide on something, I still will have a meltdown and not be able to choose anything. This is a serious issue for me and I shouldn’t ignore it (will I get around to deciding whether to do anything about it though? That is the question).
It’s so weird how people can change their mind as they go through life even when you can be so set on something you can’t imagine wanting anything else. When I was little, I wanted to be an architect. Now I realise this isn’t the most common aspiration of a seven year old, but that’s what I wanted to do! I also used to be obsessed with arts and crafts - you name it and I would attempt to make it out of old cereal boxes and sellotape. I used to draw a lot. Then I realised I didn’t really have the patience to draw things so being an architect was out. Then, it was to be a writer. I used to write (very crappy) full length stories, eagerly handing them into my favourite year three teacher (whose song about vowels is still the one I mentally recite when remembering what the vowels are). Would you believe I even used to write my own versions of Doctor Who books, fully illustrated and everything (actually, if you do know me you’re probably not surprised in the slightest)? Yes, I was technically writing fanfiction before it was trendy. That passion fizzled out too. Maybe it was the fact that I enjoyed reading other people’s stuff more than writing my own. Or it was most likely school. It’s kind of sad that I would no longer describe myself as creative.
I also used to despise studying history. I’m not even joking, at a year 9 parents evening I swore (not actually) to my teacher that I would never ever do GCSE history. Long story short, I ended up doing it. A-level history too. And now I’m going to (maybe) do a degree in it. Funny how things change, right? I say ‘maybe’ because yet again, I don’t know what my thoughts will be by May, or even next week. This stresses me to no end but what can I do? It shows how much I’m procrastinating and being indecisive by the fact this is a post I originally started to write in October but never finished, so there’s a lot of cutting and changing in this one.
Positivity is a strange old beast, isn’t it?
I’m scared shitless about life, if I’m honest with you all. I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore as what I thought I wanted to do is just impossible and impractical. I don’t really have any passions. I’m jealous of everyone that knows what they want to do and goes for it - I wish I knew what would make me happy. I’m on round two of choosing universities and I already know I’m going to really struggle to choose again. It’s January and I’m already anxious about it. Basically I am worried that whatever I choose will be the wrong decision and I’ll be committed to something I hate for three years and I’ll only have myself to blame. That I should have known it wasn’t right. Equally, it could go swimmingly. However, as a pessimist that’s not really the most likely outcome for me to predict. I struggle to know where I’m going to be happy because in my mind, there can only be one place I must choose and it’s a right or wrong answer (which I know is irrational, people can be happy in different places). It's not even about moving away from home, I don't get particularly homesick, it's that I worry that I'll hate the place. I was pleased when I managed to avoid seeing any of my old teachers when collecting my exam certificates last night just so I wouldn’t have to explain what I’m planning and what I’m getting up to. Because at the moment I have no bloody clue.
I feel a bit weird hearing “Happy New Year” because I’m very apprehensive about 2017. I think we can all collectively agree that 2016 truly fucked us over. Not just with worldwide events but personally, 2016 did not go how I hoped it would - not really. This time last year I thought I’d be at university by now, happy and confident etc. Let’s just say I’m really not that much better yet. I managed to get a job over Christmas but that’s just ended so basically I don’t have much at the moment, except the last of my wages I’m trying to cling onto and a glass-half-empty philosophy. My mum (bless her) tells me to just focus on the positives to which I always reply “what have I got to be positive about?” (I’m sorry Mum, I know you’re trying). I mean I did do a lot of good things last year like trips out and getting my exam results, but I feel like happiness is a long term thing for me.
As with any piece of writing, I feel like this needs a conclusion of sorts. That’s just it though - I don’t really have one yet.
I’ll make my next post about all the good things that have happened since October. I would have spoken about them now but I feel that would be a weird to put them with all the negative stuff. This post was written to be therapeutic and I suppose time will tell if it's helped. Currently debating whether to even post this… If you’re reading this then I guess I decided to.
Here’s to 2017 being a bit less shit.
Laura.
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