Should old blogs be forgot and never brought to mind?

Greetings my friends (unless any of you hate me, of course). Recently I realised how appalling it is that I’ve left this blog so long without posting anything! To be frank, the main reason for that is that I’m never sure what to ramble about exactly. The reason that comes a close second is that I’m not the most motivated recently...

Since September I feel like I’ve been simultaneously very busy but also very bored! Since I last spoke to you I sent off the dreaded UCAS application and I’ve actually had some offers from universities (not all of them yet, though!). For one of them I had to write an abstract essay in the space of a week with the deadline on Christmas Eve. Yes, that was definitely interesting to say the least...

With Christmas now over (it doesn’t really feel like it happened really) and 2016 well and truly here, I felt I should return to the good old blog. Don’t get too excited, nothing very significant has occurred to spark this sudden return. Part of me admits this could be a form of procrastination and I think it might be correct. At least this feels like I’m being productive even if nobody reads it and it’s a load of rubbish I’m writing out at 11pm.

Right now I’m finding that I’m not feeling very optimistic for the year ahead. Of course I have a couple of exciting concerts and theatre trips to look forward to, but I also have some not-so-nice things ahead. First, exams, and all the revision that comes with it. It is incredibly daunting to me at the moment and I just really need to get some motivation already! It’s funny, whenever I have the “I have no motivation” conversation with my family the answer is always just “Well you need to be!” which of course, doesn’t really aid me much in my struggle... If only it were that easy! I’m feeling myself spiralling into the swirling sea of stress.

The other giant oh-dear-god-I’m-not-ready-yet thing that is approaching me this year is university. Sure I have offers, but for me I don’t have a clear-cut “I want to go there!” option. I have a couple of options I’m ruling out but it still doesn’t make the final decision much easier. Of course there’s the question of the grades but really the most worrying aspect is that I am literally the most indecisive person I know. If I choose one thing I end up changing my mind. And then changing it back again... And again... And again... You get the point. There is not really anything I’m concretely sure about at this moment in time. Well. This year should go swimmingly then, shouldn’t it?

On a lighter note I feel I should try to document some of the things I have loved recently in terms of non-academic procrastination material. My favourite band (Coldplay, in case you didn’t know) released an album recently and I was really pleased with it! Also, I’ve watched some great films and television. Jessica Jones on Netflix was a marvel (in every sense of the word) and London Spy on BBC2 was also amazing (although slightly disturbing in places). I of course have to mention the new Sherlock episode too! I thought it was very clever and made you really look deeper into a plot (and stunning cinematography too – what’s not to love?). On New Year’s Eve I watched the new Star Wars film and wow I was blown away. It was so good. I have to admit to you all that I had never seen the originals up until recently but I really have been missing out on this universe!

Anyway, I am becoming acutely aware of how many exclamation marks I have used in this post. I should probably leave it there if only to spare your internal voice shouting at you. I will try to update more this year (this sounds like an empty promise but oh well) and I will see you next time.

Back to college as well tomorrow, the joys.

Laura.

What’s going on

I know everyone says it, but this first couple of weeks of college have truly felt like a few months. I feel like September has simultaneously gone extremely slow (it seems like a life ago since I went to see Hamlet on the 5^th – oh yes, that’s something that happened! I’ll come back to it) and then it also feels like I’ve missed it all... It’s October next week and that’s a bit crazy isn’t it? Less than three months until Christmas! (But Halloween first of course).

I have no idea how long it’s been since I posted on here. Probably not very long, really, but as I mentioned, time seems extremely slow at the moment so it feels like it’s been about 15 years.  Anyway, I just figured, whilst I still have some time and a functioning laptop (I typed that bit a bit sceptically, hoping my laptop wouldn’t suddenly shut down from the sheer levels of irony) I should probably write something on here. As I have previously said, this is a bit of a stress reliever, so there’s another reason to talk to you today.

I’m getting really stressed lately. I’m getting stressed over things that shouldn’t stress me out and I have no idea why! I think it partly may be because I’ve just gone back to college. Now, to be fair, my teachers haven’t exactly piled loads of homework on me but the first week or so of college usually means the “Hello nice to meet you - here’s what you’ll have to struggle through this year!” period. The total word count of all the coursework I have to do is slowly mounting up... Now I know everyone else has the same and it’s not due for ages but to me right now it feels as if I’m going to have to have it all ready for next week or something...  It’s like if I have a list of more than 5 things to do in a day I start getting stressed about it. I need to stop this!

It doesn’t help either that what I want to do in my future seems to have conflicting opinions all over the place whenever I ask for advice! I’m very unsure about what I’m actually going to do and the amount teachers keep asking me about it makes me just not want to talk about it at all! I won’t go into the boring details but basically they’re telling me negative things I already know and it’s sounding a bit like a stuck record. Even though I don’t know what I’m actually going to do, I know what I’m doing (does that make sense? It’s pretty late).

Anyway! September then – what’s been happening? Well, at the start of September I went to the Barbican to see Hamlet with Benedict Cumberbatch (that makes it sound like I was sat with him... He was playing Hamlet just to be clear). I go to the theatre as much as I can and it was such an amazing performance. I somehow managed to get row B tickets but the way the seats curved around it meant I was about a metre away from the stage and at one point Benedict was lying down for about 5 minutes in a scene about two and a half metres away from me. It’s so surreal to see an actor you’ve only seen on television and film act right in front of you. I could go on about it for ages but I won’t seeing as I realise I’ve just used about 150 words alone just saying all that! Plus I don’t want to spoil anything. If you want to see it in the cinema though you totally should!

Most of the rest of September has been lost to the depths of education and I’m a bit disorientated but overall it’s been a good month really. I honestly do need to get organised though because I have to start applying to universities next month and it’s stressing me out trying to pick things whilst questioning everything 24/7! Plus there’s the fact that I haven’t finished my personal statement yet and it’s pretty rubbish at the moment to be honest. So yes, better get onto that soon.

Anyway, it’s just gone midnight and I should probably attempt to keep up some sort of non-nocturnal sleep cycle!

Laura.

Back to reality.

I’m not going to lie to you, I nearly started writing this blog post in the same word document as my personal statement... That would have been interesting if I’d accidentally posted that thing online... Anyway, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’m posting again so soon and to be frank I’m wondering the same thing. I suppose it’s just because it’s a dull (both in weather and activities) bank holiday Monday and I just feel like doing something sort of productive. That’s the thing though – I’m not sure this blog could technically be counted as productive. I’m also writing it now because I’m taking the opportunity of my laptop actually working at a normal functioning speed. Yes, you actually read that right – the old beast is actually working. I think it heard distant whispers of “maybe I need to replace it” and finally decided to get its shit together. I’m sure it will be back to its old crashing self soon enough but for now I’m just going to enjoy the absence of (not responding).

I do actually have things I need to be doing, though. First are some pretty thick handbooks I need to read for the volunteering I just started. It’s in my local museum and although I love history, I’m a modernist at heart and I know nothing about the Tudors really so this is going to take a bit of learning to get me up to the standard of being able to actually point at something and go “this is this thing and it did this in this year”. It should be pretty good though – although I’m a bit rubbish at the whole working in the cafe lark. Apparently I don’t know how to serve tea to a lady (yes, it’s that proper) so I’m going to have to learn quickly.

I also need to learn my maths. Still. I did mention in the last blog post that I was leaving to go and do some maths revision and let’s just say that didn’t exactly happen. So I’m still in the same situation. I’m going to have to force myself to do some in a bit though because I will be well and truly screwed when I get back to college if I don’t.

Is it weird I’m sort of looking forward to having a timetable and set routine again? I love lazing about doing nothing as much as the next person, but it’s literally gotten to the point where I do not know what to watch on Netflix. I have watched all 61 episodes of Skins and all the Louis Theroux documentaries on there and I have hit a dead end with television shows. Yet another reason I look forward to September – new television series! But yes, I think going back to college will give me a bit of a motivation to actually do something more productive. Plus, I’m rubbish at working at home. Knowing my college though I probably won’t get my finalised timetable until the eleventh hour – I’m not joking, I missed twenty minutes of my first English lesson last year because they changed the room like an hour before the lesson. I just want to know what I’m dealing with already, and also who I’m dealing with – I swear if they don’t put me with my friends again this year I will be mildly narked.

On a lighter note, I got accepted into a Channel 4 workshop day in September! They said I have a chance to network so hopefully I can find more out about the television industry and all that jazz. It should be really good – even if I do have to wake up at about 5am to catch my train. They even have chances to win further experience opportunities, so fingers crossed! I'll probably talk about it at some point...

Anyway, I  really need to do some maths now. For real, this time.

Laura. 

Summertime Madness

Summer break is always a bit daunting really. I know this sounds a crazy thing to say but let me carry on... Basically, I feel like I'm a bit useless during summer. I think a lifetime of television has conditioned me to feel like I should be doing something every day during summer. Whether that be something productive or fun, I should be doing something cool and not just lazing around on Netflix most of the time. I've literally spent most of this summer watching Skins and Louis Theroux documentaries (I recommend them strongly!)

Let's be real though, I'm never going to be as productive as Phineas and Ferb in their summer vacation (sidenote - how did they afford to do all those things?) but I still can't help but feel a bit useless. The thing is I do actually have a list (written out on actual paper, how official!) of all the things I need to do this summer. I'll just say it's not quite completed... I've attempted and sort of muddled together a draft for my personal statement so hopefully the teachers won't be too disappointed when they have to read it. It's so hard trying to sell yourself when you don't really do a lot! I end up writing about how I dropped my pen in year 8 and it gave me the skills of resilience to carry on... (I am kidding, don't worry). I know it may sound a bit silly but I really do feel a bit silly when writing bits of it. I'm sure I have gained the skills from certain things but it is pretty hard to put into formal coherent words (you know how bad I am at formal writing - look at this blog).

It doesn't really help either that my laptop has some sort of vendetta against me and refuses to even load. I'm not even joking, it's ridiculous. The amount of times I see (not responding) a day is mindnumbing. I am actually typing this out on my iPad right now as the blank word document I opened 10 minutes ago is still not opening! Wonderful. I'll have to stick it out a bit longer until university though, so I'm counting on you laptop, even if you are sort of held together in places by tape...

It doesn't actually feel like summer though - not to me. I may be the only one who feels this way but I think that whole endless feeling of summer holidays has ended for me now. Am I growing up or is it just the fact the weather is horrible (typical, Britain, nice one) and I have lots of work to do? Who knows.

On a more positive note, though, my summer has been pretty good really! I went to the National Theatre with some friends at the start of August to see Three Days In The Country. It was such an amazing play and I am still shocked that I managed to get a second row ticket for £5 (thank you theatre for student tickets!). I also met Mark Gatiss afterwards and if you know me you'll know I'm a big fan of his work and I was so thrilled to meet him properly! I am also going to see Hamlet at the start of September (second row again - what is it with my tickets?) and I am incredibly excited to see that. I've also been on some great days out, one of which being the Warner Brothers studio tour - trust me if you like Harry Potter you need to visit! I also went to the space museum which again if you know me, you'll know I do love space a lot. So much in fact that me and my friend went down to Bristol and we went a bit mad about the prospect of going in a planetarium (I was also introduced to Shakeaway milkshakes that day and it was beautiful). 

Another thing that's happened this month is my exam results came out! Now strangely I didn't really feel much of a tense buildup to the day as I did with my GCSE results, even though these are essentially more important. I suppose it was just the exams went so quickly and felt a bit like mock exams (and our mocks didn't feel like mocks either...). Also the fact that I had no massive break at the end of them - no, we had to go straight into work for second year... Which I am continuing to do now. I got the grades I wanted though so I guess all of the work paid off! Plus, I can drop psychology finally. I know maths is probably going to kill me but I don't think I can take any more research methods, honestly. 

The pressure is well and truly on now, though. I have the predicted grades I need to apply to the universities I want but the next challenge lies in actually achieving those grades. I'm not going to have any sort of social life next year at this rate (although let's be realistic I didn't really have one anyway). One of my biggest problems now though is that I have completely forgotten how to do any of my maths, which is slightly awkward as I have a test on it all when I get back... That should be fun.

It's been a nice change to actually speak about things I am doing positively for a change! I am sorting some other stuff behind the scenes such as the looming dread of university applications, but I'll just have to power through that one! I've literally just realised I haven't updated this blog since the end of June! Oh, what a terrible blogger I am. 

I'm going to go and try to cram maths now.

Laura.

Universities, Universities, Universities.

I often find there's nothing more daunting than a blank word document (as does my computer too, apparently, as it has frozen up even at the concept of opening one up). This is my situation for a few things at the moment. First is this blog, I suppose. Now don't get me wrong, I love this blog and how it gives me the opportunity to rant at whatever I so please... However, actually thinking of a topic that I can talk about for more than a paragraph is really hard for me, especially as all I have going on in my life is universities, universities, universities (I suppose choosing universities it is a bit like Location, Location, Location in a way, isn't it?). This brings me onto the second reason I'm finding blank word documents daunting at the moment: personal statements.

I actually need to start my personal statement. Soon. I need to get in a draft for September and I am yet to write a word. I mean I do have a few things I can put in there but for me it is just the issue that I have no idea how to write about myself properly. As you know all too well from this blog, I am sarcastic, I am a pessimist, and I am a bit rubbish at drumming up motivation sometimes. (I do really want to go to university though). So, when I usually write about myself, it's usually in the form of sarcastic rant-like blogposts such as the one you see before you. Plus, of course, we're back to the issue of the blank word document. 

I do realise I'm just going to have to get on and start it. I feel like I need Shia Labeouf shouting "JUST DO IT" in my ears at all hours of the day right now. I think the reason this blank document is so intimidating is the fact that whatever I write on it is going to determine whether I get into the university I want. I mean, some of the talks I’ve heard have said “They don’t even read them don’t worry” but really, why work to that assumption? If someone might read it, I’m going to make sure it’s good.

I'm also starting something called an EPQ. Now if you're not from the UK or just don't know what it is, an EPQ stands for Extended Project Qualification, and for me this basically means a 6,000 word dissertation on any topic of my choice. I do not know how to write a dissertation. Or plan one. I do not even have a question set up yet. I do have a lot of extra reading though... My theory is that if I do most of it in the next few weeks, I’ll get it over and out of the way (mainly, I mean just the research -  I still have to write it)

I've been spending a bit of time looking around universities lately and it seems that the decision that should be easy to go "I don't like this university" and "I'll apply for that one definitely" really isn't easy at all. Going back to Location, Location, Location (property show in the UK, if you didn’t know!) it really is getting like that. It’s as if I’m looking for loads of things at once (you know how it is – “I want 5 bathrooms, two kitchens, a fountain, and a private annex and dance studio for my dog...”)

My biggest weakness has to be pretty buildings, though. Even if my mum is saying "The course, the course!" at some points I seem completely in a trance, repeating "it's so pretty! Look at that ceiling. Oh my god that bookcase". I can't help it. I just love pretty buildings. I probably need to counteract that a bit though...

Some universities seem to have the perfect course but everything else isn’t so wonderful, or vice versa. I can’t seem to find the perfect mix right now but I think I may have to compromise. You do learn what to ask, though. Something I always like to do when looking around universities is say to myself “If it was raining and cold and you were tired as hell on a Monday morning, would you still feel like shit here? Would I be okay to get however long on public transport to a lecture?” because really, sometimes thinking about it in a different way than just the summery sunshine setting that you first see it in can make a difference. Also, ask the students questions, a lot of questions, no matter how small.

Something that I’ve also been doing is writing everything down. With the open days so close to one another most of the time, it’s surprisingly easy to forget little things that you thought on the day. So I’ve got yet another word document for that. I know it might be a bit frivolous but I think it might help. To be honest though, I’m just so indecisive that I don’t know if I’ll ever choose.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling at you now. Thanks for reading!

Laura.

Boredom: my old unwanted friend

Hello again!

As I opened up this blog to write a post I realised that it’s only been about 4 days since I last posted. It’s not really me just making up for the lost three months of no blogging, though. Since my exams have ceased, I have encountered my old unwanted friend called boredom. Now I’m not talking about the “Oh this revision is so boring!” or “Lessons are so boring” type of boredom, I’m talking about the days-on-end-not-doing-anything-productive-whatsoever boredom. Even though I’m happy exams are over, I kind of feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.

When I said this to my mum I laughed when she asked whether I was missing exams. In a way though, the more I think about it, I kind of get what she means. Of course I don’t miss exams and revision (who would?) but at least having all of that going on a) gave me something to do and b) made it so I felt I was doing something with my life. It says it all when I have hours to watch TV yet I find myself wanting to find something more interesting to do instead. So basically my conclusion from that is that I need to do something with myself. Now.

It’s sort of like when a child wants a toy and only really wants it when they don’t have it. In my situation, I thought doing nothing but watching television and films all day was the dream whilst I had a bottomless pit of revision cards to look over but now it’s all over, the novelty has worn off a bit.

To be totally honest with you, I had a bit of an existential crisis this week (only briefly). I mean yes, it’s always bubbling away inside my brain but sometimes it just erupts in a few hours of oh god what am I doing with my life? I’m sure everyone must feel like this at some point. I don’t have a clear path to follow. It’s like there should be a clear answer but someone very tall has just stood in front of me so I can’t see it... (I’m pretty sure that was the worst simile I’ve ever come up with... Note to self: never become a poet, Laura). Hopefully once I’ve started looking around universities and written the oh-so-dreaded personal statement, I’ll feel a bit better. Does anyone have any advice? I’m feeling a bit lost with it all.

Going back to a bit of positivity, it was my birthday on Friday! I'm now 17! Not quite an adult but not quite a child... Bit of an ambiguous age, really! It was great to see my friends and I got a lot of chocolate (although not as much as last year - my god that was a sight to behold) and so many cool presents. I had such a nice day so shout out to my lovely friends (both offline and online) for making it so nice! I love you all! (Wow that got cheesy very quickly, didn't it?)

Anyway, back to doing nothing productive!

Laura. 

Age is but a number (...and a social construct)

Hello!
My exams finished on Friday and true to my word, I am back! I must admit, though, that I thought I’d feel a lot more... free. It seems like a bit of an anti-climax for me now that I have loads of free time. Maybe it’s due to the fact that they’re making us go back to college on Monday to start second year work! Slightly depressing... My 17^th birthday is looming on Friday and I don’t feel very excited for that either! Is that something normal? Like I sort of wish I could go back to being 10 for a week and just countdown to my birthday for ages like it was Christmas (although the day itself always seemed slightly disappointing compared to the build-up... is that just me?). But that’s the reality of growing up, I guess. It will still be good, I think! (My friend is making me a cake. I love cake).

Oh listen to me getting all melancholy and theoretical... Anyway, I better focus on what has happened since I left this blog! Now, I doubt any of you haven’t heard from me in the last three months or so because I’m on twitter but just in the possibility that I have people who follow my life exclusively on here, I’ll just say I have done nothing. I’m not even kidding! Apart from exams, nothing has really happened in my life. Do I hear you gasp? No, it’s really just usual for me. I should probably start looking for work experience, but seeing as I have to be 18 for the majority of it, I still have a year to go, really... I’ll have to sort something.

Driving! That’s exciting isn’t it? Something I can now officially do when I’m 17. Although I’m still not counted as an adult. Oh social constructs, what a joy! I feel there’s always build up to ‘big’ ages that I never really get excited for. For example, I’m not really excited to drive. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it once I get going but at the moment I have no urge to be able to jump in the nearest car and drive off into the sunset. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic but you get my point. It’s funny, I’ve only just realised today that I have been old enough to legally buy a lottery ticket for a whole year and I haven’t even bought one! I could literally win £8 million on the lottery this weekend yet I still couldn’t buy a drink at a bar. Or drive. Or vote. Or buy fireworks. Or get a commercial pilot’s licence... (I am googling these – there are quite a few).

It makes me laugh when I think back to my 9 year old self, thinking when I was a teenager I’d always be going to cool parties and going into town on my own (wow the independence is too much to comprehend). In hindsight though, I guess we all romanticised a bit. We didn’t know the true difficulty of actually getting a life when all we had to worry about was what was on television at the weekend or the “you’re not my friend anymore” school feuds on the playground. In a way I wish I still had a bit of that sky-high optimism I had when I was younger, but what can you do?

Anyway, right now I’m putting off a couple of projects I need to catch up on (yes, they’re already piling on the work, pretty much) but instead I thought I’d take a while to talk to you guys! I want to get back into the swing of things with this blog. As always, thank you for being my hypothetical stress ball (but not in a weird way).

Laura.